EYESLIGHT
By: Zumi Atafini
I look at her eyeballs. On the past, those eyes always looked at me with much of love. On the past, those eyes was mine. But now, my heart is closed to approve her love anymore. I don’t know what come in my mind, but clearly my lots of love for her have been extinguished, just like a splashed fire, and left nothing except hatred and grudge.
“Darling, I know that it’s all my fault. I less understood your bustle. But, please let me revise all. Lets we open our new page of our love tale. I have no preparations to loss you. I know that my anger bond my heart so I didn’t think the efect of my decission.”
She imbibes softdrink before her. She is still as beautifull as before. I dont’t know, on the past I loved her badly, even I was willing to dsplace a mountain for her if she want. She dominated all of my heart. But now, even she throw many litters of tears, that can not penetrate my heart, and can not wetted my dried heart. She begs for my love, she wants I comeback for her. But that is not enough to pull my heart out from my ravine of loneliness.
“Please, understand me, Ay. We are different. We can not be match. Just like a hole, both of us is north hole, and we deny each other. Our way of thinking is too much different.”
“But, Honey. We ever had same dreams and same desires.”
“It just before you decided to break our love.”
“If you know what i felt, may be you will understand why i took that decision. I need you, I feel so sad to leave you, and I feel missing you badly. That’s a hard decision. I have been waiting for you for long time, to come to me, to ask my forgiveness. But, you never came. That made me angry and made a decision to break our relationship.”
Her cry heard so sad. She rise from her chair. She is tottering.
“Where will you go ay?Let me accompany you.”
“No thanks. I will go home by myself. Thanks to met me. I’m so sorry for all my mistakes. I beg you for the last time.”
“I’m so sorry, for this time, i just can be your brother and friend”
I bow my head. A lillte heart felling to see her cry and sadness.
“It’s Ok. Bye”
“Ay, wait!”
Her shadow dissapear from my ayes. I sit allone by myself in this coffeeshop.
“Please, understand me...” whispered on my heart.
I decide not to send nor call her anymore. My love perfectly disapear. I don’t know why, but actually this is the true. I chose my own way to drive my life. I kill my heart for her.
Suddenly I hear my mobile ringtone. Her name is displayed on the screen. I ignore it. It’s better not to accept her call. It’s satisfied to do it. And I’m happier to do it. More than ten times she call me, and all is missed. I leave it. After a few hours the mobile is ringing. Now, her sister’s number is displayed. I still on my way, not to accept it. All things rellated to her and and her family are disaster for me. I want to release from this her bond.
I do my life with full of freedom. To life without her is felt like heal new air of the world. I find the independent of my life. No one will bother me with messages and calls pretending care anymore. I will not spend my money lavishly anymore just to buy gasoline and to have dinner with her. I’m free now! utterly free!
I have paid my grudge for her. I make her regretted for leaving me. I will not come back to her. Just by made her feel what i felt when she left me before make me happy. I was hurt because of her. Now, she is hurt beacause of me. I’m satisfied!perfectly satisfied!
A month I through my life without her. Her image do not appear anymore on my mind. But, by the time past, I feel bored of my life. There is nothing special on my daily. Everything feel so flat. No more color which colored my life on the past. Everyday I just do my work, eat, then sleep. Although I have a spare time on Saturday and Sunday to go to campus and to visit my parents, but everything still feel so flat. Feel like something missing from my life.
Suddenly i remember her. It’s a week passed without her messages on my cell phone. Though i never replay it, but she always reminded me to eat, to pray and not to be forced on work. But why did she never call me this week?A bunch of question come my mind, and I still do not find the answer of the questions. Usually she inserted many words which say that she always love me, and will always do until the death come to her. But the words burn my egoism more and more. Then the devil come to my mind, make me think how sad she is without me, a smile pointed on the corner of my lips. Love and care without response, how hurt it is. Just like what i felt when she was on my side.
But, why? Now I miss her. Suddenly, I miss to read her messages on my cellphone again. I want to hear her laugh when calling again. I miss it all. I reach my mobile, I spin it. I try to tape some words pointed to her, but I erase it again. I’m afraid my prestige will be down if I send her message.
I lay on long chair near my mother’s sewing machine. The sound produced when my mother hold the dynamo and play the long cable of the machine tickle my heart. Send me to the memory when I sit together on this chair on the past. She is too much in silent and smile, annoyed my heart to pinch her cheeks and to make her angry.
I’m restless. I sit uncomfortably. Slowly, all beautiful memories with her come to my mind. Her laugh, the way she eat, the way she drink, the way she treat me, and the way she sweet upon me, begin to crawl on my mind. It can’t be denied that I miss her. She who actually had coloured my grayscale life. She who actually had given a pattern in my flat life. And she who actually had dessigned my disorder life. I want her now. I really want her.
I dont care with my egoism anymore. I tape a a conventionality message with a high tone full of prestige to ask her condition.
Assalamu’alaikum. It’s long time no news from you. How are you and your family?
I searh her name on my phonebook. Clossing my eyes, I send my messages. It feel like trhown my prestige when send the message to her. But I really want her to replay it.
I’m worried in waiting for her replay. Many minnutes and hours passed, but she have not yet replied my message. I’m resentful of her. I throw my cell phone away.
“What happened son? You look like worried of something. Just visiting us once a week, you never look happy when in home.”
My mother grumble to see my behavior. Indeed, this month i hardly ever laugh, even just for smile.
“Nothing mom. I’ll look for fresh air.” Immediately I drive my motorcycle and dissapear from her view. I want not she see me sad.
“Oh god, son. Suddenly gone!”
I swear on my heart. It was too arogant she didn’t replay my message. Whereas she ever beg me to replied her message and said that can live without me. And now?Regretfully I sent her message. Just make her overconfidence.
######
“Please, prepare two PC for Mr. Thalib. This is the specification. He will take them tomorrow.”
“Ok, sir. Will we use all new part or just some parts which are new?”
“Idiot!Is it necesarry to ask?Pretending he is new customer. Just make as ussual!”
Hah, unfortunatelly in this early morning I got an anger from my bos. It send down my spirit to work. I’m tired of this condition. I’m forced to hard work without any extra salary.
Ussually I would send her message if I was in this condition. I would share her everything. Spill out all my plaints. Then she would call me and give me new spirit. Her tender voice, with sweet tone, suggested me to always be patient. Or at least she would send me message inserting long kiss pointed on my forehead. I really miss such as time. And I really miss her nowadays.
Two months passed she is missing from my life. Even just for updating status on FB, she didn’t appear. Totally I lost contact with her. My longing is growing more and more.
Once more, I try to text her. I throw away my hatred for her.
Hi! How r u?2 be arrogant now, never send me message, even just for replay my message.
I hope she would replay my message. As I tinker my works, I always watch on my cell phone before me. I’m hurried in receiving and raeding each calls or messages, I hope it will be hers. But, those all just from my customers, and it all overthrow me to the deepest worried.
Finally, to the end of this day, there no replay from her. I dont know what should I do. Should me angry or sad? No answer appeared.
####
“Cousin, where will Ay visit us again? I miss her badly. I want to play football with her. I want to be carried on her back again. I want ice cream from her.”
My cousin speak innocently. It break all my fantacy. I remembered that Ay love and care with all my cousin, even my uncle and my aunt. She never forget to bring foods and gift for all. She is a philantrhopist. Even when she have no money, she will buy something for them. I remebered, when we meet a poor old man whom sold fried peanut. She and I decided to buy all his peanut because night began to appear and the old man still waited for the customer only on the side of the road.
We smiled of happiness. Although only a lilte help, but we hope it would pointed a smile on her face.
Hmmm...ay, where are you...
#####
I can hold it no more. This is the scond month I have no communication with her. My hurt because she left me have no more trace, changed with my hurt because of my longing. My hatred because of her decision to leave me and her anger without any reason is wiped out by my longing for her. Sometimes I fell bored of her and try to run away from her, but her great love to me keep me still beside her. I want her now, badly.
Her number which I deleted two months ago still settle down sweetly on all of my mind. A couple number choosen by me for me n for her.
The number u’re calling is not active or out side of area, please try again in a few minnutes
Information from the celullar operator destroy all my expectation in a second. I feel faint. Has she changed her number? Suddenly, my world is going dark.
#######
“Son, you’re concious. What happened to you?You were already fine when you were laying in the chair, but suddenly you were fainted. You make me worried.”
Unconciously I am in my aunt’s room. I have no more power.
“Please drink this warm tea”
My aunt gives me a cup of warm tea. This reminds me to the past event. Ay took care of me when I was ill, still in this room. I was laying on my bedroom for two days. She always came to me and took care of me. The distance between my aunts’s house n her boarding house is far enough, and she always came back home on late just for make sure that I would be fine before she left. This day is simmiliar with that time. It’s raining hard outside. It’s really cold. Her image when she was feeding me stabb me in the deepest place of my heart.
What fault she made that make me hurt her and throw her so far away from my heart? Where was my feelling when saw her falling litters of tears to ask me to come back to her? Where was my feeling when she always tried to give attention to me? Why do my longing and my guilty come just now?Pick up my regret which covered my heart.
“Where is my cell-phone, aunt?”
I mess and upset the bedcover. I need my cell-phone. I don’t know what will I do with that, but what I know is that my cell-phone is really important for me, now.
“What are you doing? Just take a rest! Your cell-phone is being charged by your sister.”
I run to take my cell-phone I remember that I saved Ay’s sister’s number. I call the number immediately. But I dissapointed once more. Her number is no more active.
I can be crazy!I really wanna call her!The felling that I’m affraid to lose her grow in my mind. I need her. I’m affraid to loss her love. I still love her with lots of love.
Suddenly I decide to call her mother. Since I decided not to call her any more I’m affraid to appear before her mother, even just for call her mother. Additionally, my other cell phone is broken, so I hardly ever activate my family’s number. But actually, on the pass I often call her mother to share many stories about her. And now, my hands is shivering even just to call her mother.
I have called her mother for five times, and no one is responded. I keep trying, but there is still no respon. I give up! What can I do to call her??
My body is shivering. I have heart disease almost five years, and I feel that it suffer a relapse. I can’t think anything else. Maybe I gonna be crazy if i don’t meet her.
####
I ride my motorcycle in fast, alhough I never ride a motorcycle more than 80 kmph but I think that it is the fastest time that I can do. Ussually Ay sat sweetly behind me and hugged my waist. Sometimes she pinch and tickle me when I ride uncarefully. I love her expression when unconciously we stoped contiguous with a rider girl in the traffic lamp. Immediatelly she would close my helmet and pinch my waist.
The imagination of my longing to her drive me to be crazy. I almost can not breath. My heart palpitate irregularly to imagine that I will see her sweet face, again.
Her house is far enough. It is about an hour from the city. I often took on this road just for saw her face, came back to her and feel a warm of her love. But I never did it since this four mounths.
I try to focus my mind on the way I through. But all of my mind is out of focused by the remainder of her joke.
I enter a bend into her house. My heart is palpitating fastly. A question appear immediatelly. Does she still keep her smile to welcome me in her house. Would she cry if i said goodbye. Those questions try to break my heart and my mind. I lean my blue motorcycle, which always be her favorite. Although my simple black helmet, also her favorite, does not accompany me anymore. I have changed it with my red helmet, which i thought can give an additional performance for me.
Finnaly i’m standing before her house. It’s too silent. Ussually, if he is in home, she will give a warm environment. The television accompany her along the day. But now, everything feel so silent. Her wooden door, which is always oppened, is closed now. More over, there is no sign of life.
My stride is freezen. I’m hesitant to knock the doorl. I’m worried if her mother, who is ever to be my mother in law candidate, will angry with me because i have hurt her daughter. I gahter my bravery to say greeting and knock the door. I’ve been doing it for three times, and no one come to open the door. I think that it will be better to come back home, but my longing for her can be endured no more. I stand silent in front of her house. I sit in a chair which is always be our favorite place to see the afternoon scenery of her village.
I’ve been waiting for an hour, and there is still no signal of her or her family coming. Then, my sleepy drive me to the gate of dream.
####
I feel thay my eyes is too heavy. I open my eyes. I think that i felt sleep. In a glance, i see Ay wearing clothe i gave for her. Oh, finally, my longing is paid.
“Ay. Here you are!Where have you been?I’ve been waiting for you!”
“Honey. Why do you come now? I have been waiting for you also, for long time honey. No time i left without thinking of you, but you still haven’t yet came. Don’t you miss me?Too much tears i fell for you. I have tried to be patience. I still wait for you acrros the time. I’m happy to see that you are here for me. Your coming take my pain away. Thank you honey. Thank you for all. Forgive for all my mistakes. If i had just one more chance, i would change everything. I’m sorry for blaming you honey. I miss you honey. I really really miss you. There are too much story that need to be shared with you. But, we have no more time honey. Look for your own happiness honey. Be strong honey, cause i will be with you no more.”
She look into my eyes. She gives me a kiss. She did not allow me to say just one word. And this time is too sacred to be broke by my words. I look at her, with so much longing, just like a trusty camel in a desert that need a water. I want not anyone break this momment, a missing momment that i’m looking for long time.
She is crying. I don’t know why. Is she too happy to meet me?Or something has happened to her?No word out of my lips. Too many qustions appear on my mind. I feel hard to heal. My world dark totally.
####
“Are you OK, son?”
I vague voice wake me up. A sound of Ay’s mother. I try to get up.
“It’s Ok son, just lay on the bad. When did you arrive.”
“I forget mom, maybe about two or three hours ago. I’m sorry mom, for everything. I do apollogize. I will be better mom, I promise. Where is Ay mom?”
“Son, i’m sorry to say it, everything is too late now. Ay will not be with us again. There is a great love that need her. She found her own peace place.”
“What do you say mom?I don’t understand. Where is Ay? I need her! I can’t breath without her mom! Please mom...”
“Sorry dear. She loved you badly. She gave you spirit to stay alive. But you never perceipe it all. With dream and imagination, she gave us new environment everyday. But its no longer after she left you. No more day was filled with her laugh. No more smile painted on her face. No more happines on her life. She decided to leave you, although it’s too hard for her. She trough it all. Why didn’t you ask her reason for leaving you? Didn’t you know that she is dying?She never told us that she is dying. Only in the last time, we knew that she has cancer on the last stadium. She fight her own illnes by herself. That is Ay. A figure of baravery and happines. No one know that she burried her pain far in her deepest heart”
No more words out of ay’s mom. A picture of Ay with her beautiful smile is hanging sweetly on the wall surrounded by bucket flower.
