An Analysis John Cheever’s Satirical Aspect of Suburb’s Family in John Cheever’s

The Worm in the Apple Short Story

A.    Introduction

Suburb’s live is identical with a nuclear family that busy with individual activities. Each family has no much time to spend with the other society. Almost of them spend their day boringly with only work-home cycle. They hardly ever have a quality time for family to spend. But, they also have some aspects of socialism that exist in their lives. In other word, it can be said that suburbans are people that struggling to face the chaos of modern world in a outskirt of a big city. In “The Worm in the Apple” short story by John Cheever, we find some satirical aspects that occur in realities of suburban’s live. It can be seem of how the surbubian spend their live. We found some ironic cases which occur  during the story. We can get some moral values from this story which initially derive from satires.

B.     Discussion

1.      Biography of John Cheever

He was born in Quincy, Massachutesetts on May 27, 1912. He was a second child of Frederick Lincoln Cheever and Mary Liley Cheever. He had an older brother. His father owned a shoe factory but it collapsed due to the gread depression of 1930s. His mother supported the family’s necesity by the profit of her gift shop.

He attended a a preparatory school in Braintree, Massachusetts. But he expelled from that school because of his bad attitude in his seventeenth. Due to this, he published his first work “Expelled”. After leaving school he toured Europe with his brother.

In the mid-1930s Cheever moved to New York City. He lived in a week boarding house on Hudson Street in Greenwich Village. He supported his own life by writing summaries for potential MGM (Metro Goldwyn Mayer) movies. Then he assosiated with The New Yorker Magazine. In 1934 the magazine published the first of 119 Cheever stories.

On March 22, 1941, Cheever married Mary Winternitz. They had three children. He spent four years in the army during World War II (1939–45) and later spent two years writing television scripts for, among other programs, "Life with Father."

At the height of  success, he became an alcoholism. This was a problem he did not fully admit to until his family placed him in a rehabilitation center in 1975. Earlier, in 1972, he had suffered a massive heart attack.

John Cheever died of cancer on June 18, 1982. His final work, “Oh What A Paradise It Seems”, was published after his death.

2.      Society

The setting of place in this short story is in Shady Hills, a suburbia. It is a capture of suburbia society.

3.      Summary of the story

This story is about a nuclear family, Crutchmans’, Lary and Helen, who have two children, Tom and Rachel. They live in a suburb, named Shady Hill. The story opened by a capture of Crutchmans’ live place. It is told that they live happily in a big house on Hill Street. Lary serves for navy. But for days he is adrift at sea on a raft after his ship had been sunk by the enemy. Helen is the only one daughter of her father that inherited a good deal of money. She earns money larger than Lary can.

It is thought that the tragedy of navy can drive Lary to the nightmare, but actually he can sleep well. In other side, Helen, who has larger income that her husband, be thought that will have a bad behavior because of independence and damage the delicate balances within their marriage, but actually they do the live well, Helen spread her income among the charities and live with comfortable but modest live.

Helen loves her son badly. She gives and buys everything for his happiness. And when she is favored her love to her son she is bound to discriminate her daughter.

Tom fails in his junior year of high school and has to repeat it. Many families which have beutiful daughter want Tom to be their son-in-law, he actually has so many girl friends during his education time, but  in his second year in college he announced his engagement to Elizabeth Trustman and they were married after his graduation. And finally he go to Germany to study his post and serve his time in the army.

It is different for Rachel. After she lost her weight, she become a beautiful girl. She married a German gardener’s son, Eric Reiner. Though her parents are not quiet agree with Rachel’s choise, but they concelead their feelings and let her to be married. Eric gets some scholarship to continue his study untill he reaches his Ph.D. in physics and then he come to be a teacher and live happily with Rachel in Cambridge.

Finally both of Lary and Helen enjoy their old age in Shady Hill and become richer and richer with Helen’s company and they live happily.

4.      Analysis

Satire, as Hutcheon describes, is didactic and extramural, like a lesson; it has a target related to something outside the story. Satire has a moral to tell. Satire is a literary form in and of itself, but it also can qualify, or be qualified by, other forms

The story is settled in a suburbia. It capture the ordinary live of an suburban. We find some of the narator speculations in the story and sometimes occur with some questions form. The ironies that the hypothesis of the narator have opposite realities that occur in the story.

We can see some moral value that exist in a surbubans’ live, and it is criticized by the author by this story. We also know that less or more the author’s life influence this story.

Example:

·         It is a similar case of nuclear family in “The worm in the Apple” and in his real life.

·          And also has a similar case when John cheever’s mother supports his family life with the case in the story that Helen earn a higher income that his husband can.

A suburb is a residential area, either existing as part of a city (as in Australia and New Zealand, and generally in the United Kingdom) or as a separate residential community within commuting distance of a city (as in the United States and Canada). Some suburbs have a degree of administrative autonomy, and most have lower population density than inner city neighborhoods. Suburbs first emerged on a large scale in the 19th and 20th centuries as a result of improved rail and road transport, which led to an increase in commuting. Suburbs tend to proliferate around cities that have an abundance of adjacent flat land.

There are two general rules of conduct in suburbia, writes Baumgartner. First, suburbanites do not publicly take notice of a neighbor's activities. They make no moral judgments of a member of the community; in other words, "they mind their own business." Second, the suburbanite does not make public his or her own private activities. One is not supposed to be a nuisance to anyone else in the process of ignoring them. As a result, suburbs are considered peaceful, or boring, places because in an effort to not enact judgment on each other, households rarely interact with each other. Baumgartner finds that the primary rule in the moral order of a suburb is neglect. For example, in his study of a New York City suburb, when a member of a neighborhood did raise the ire of its inhabitants, neighbors rarely complained, and indeed would suffer all kinds of disturbances, such as loud cars or bright lights, for years without protesting to anyone.

The satirical aspects:

a)      We can see some satircal aspects of the boring life of the suburban beacuse of their indivisualism of over emphasis on the independence. We can see that John doesn’t give much social interactions inside this story.

Evidence: Crutchmans’ family always do their life hapily during the life without any heavy problem occured.

“The Crutchmans were so very, very happy and so temperate in all their habits and so pleased...”(Page 1, Pgh. 1)

“They moved happily out to Shady Hill after the war. Larry had served in the Navy. They had two happy children: Rachel and Tom”(Page 1, Pgh 3)

“He could have gone into industry at a higher salary but he liked to teach and Rachel was happy in Cambridge, where they remained.” (Page 4, Pgh 1)

“...they got richer and richer and richer and lived happily, happily, happily, happily.”( Page 4, pgh 2)

b)      We can also seem John critizes the flat live of suburban

Evidence: The author give some ironies speculation and hypothesis that have the opposite realities in the story.

“The dangers in this situation are well-known. Since Larry did not have to make a living — since he lacked any incentive — he might take it easy, spend too much time on the golf links and always have a glass in his hand. Helen would confuse financial with emotional independence and damage the delicate balances within their marriage. But Larry seemed to have no nightmares and Helen spread her income among the charities and lived a comfortable but modest life”(Page 1, pgh 2)

5.      Conclusion

I as the reader of the story can conclude that John Cheever has so many satirical aspects for the suburban’s life in this story. First he criticized the over-emphasize on independence of suburban’ life. Then the second, he criticized the flat life of the suburban’s life.

6.      References

http://assyoungnurasiyah.blogspot.com/2012/06

http://www.wikipedia.com/john_cheever.

http://www.wikipedia. com/suburban.

http://suite101.com/article/book-review-the-stories-of-john-cheever-a228488#ixzz1zT0bcCFs

Whisper

Willingly let it go, bringing the sorrow...
Much too much, more and more, wish i wish...
Blame the destiny...for all my entity...
Push me to the top...then drive me till i drop...
Nothing to be done...totally i'm alone....

Out of the box

Allohu akbar...

Jika Engkau masih menyayangi aku ya Alloh, tolong hamba untuk keluar dari ketidakpastian hidup seperti ini. Dari semua penderitaan yang menghimpitku. Jika Engkau sudah tak menginginkanku ada lagi di dunia ini, buang hamba ya Alloh. Hamba siap...

Hamba hanya tak bisa terus menerus menahan cobaan yang bertubi seperti ini ya Alloh. Setelah Engkau mengambil seluruh orang yang hamba sayangi. Bukan dari dunia, tapi dari kehidupan hamba. 

Tak ada satupun orang yang bisa hamba sandari sebagai tempat keluh kesah ya Alloh, hanya Engkau...namun Engkau tetap diam dan tak memberiku jawaban atas semua ini ya Alloh.

Hamba ingin pergi dan lari saja dari kehidupan ini, sperti seorang pengecut. Hamba sudah tak kuat menahan sakit ini ya Alloh.

Hamba sudah cacat fisik,jangan kau jadikan juga hamba ini cacat iman....

Aku membutuhkan orang lain untuk menyandarkan diri kali ini... Aku begitu kalut dan kesepian saat ini. Entah apa yang bisa aku lakukan saat ini.

Nothing to loose

Selama ini aku selalu berusaha membuat orang tegar dan kuat, selalu berusaha membuat orang tersenyum tanpa memperdulikan perasaanku sendiri. Mereka yang selalu egois, memilih senyum mereka yang tertebar diatas hinaan dan cacian yang mereka lontarkan sebagai bahan canda. Mereka menganggap semua hal itu adalah hal yang wajar saja, suatu bayaran yang impas untuk sebuah kebahagiaan. Mereka, memperlakukan aku bukan selayaknya manusia, seperti biji yang busuk, tak akan pernah menjadi bunga.

Bahkan hal mustahil bagiku untuk bermimpi, agar omonganku mereka dengar. Bagi mereka, aku tak lebih dari sekedar kambing hitam, tempat tuk membuang keesalaahan. Aku selalu dijadikan peran antagonist dalam dunia ini, yang pada kenyataannya aku hanyalah sosokk protagonist yang pnuh derai air mata di notebookq sendiri.

Mereka yang berlindung dibalik jubahku, menggunakan kekuranganku untuk menyusun istana lenyamanan mereka sendiri. Tanpa suatu tedeng aling-aling mereka menghinakau secara nyata.

Tak ada sesuatu yang ikhlas disekitarku, semuanya serba munafik. Kenapa ini harus terjadi padaku? Salah apa aku pada mereka? Aku selalu berusaha membuat orang lain bahagia, tetapi kenapa mereka malah menjerumuskanku? Memanfaatkanku.

Masih adakah yang tulus didunia ini? Tak ada, sama sekali. Untuk apa aku harus bertahan didunia ini? Tidakkah kemuakanku akan kehadiranku sendiri didunia belum cukup untuk menendangku dari lapangan kehidupan ini...?

Apakah aku harus selalu menjadi hamster di sebuah lingkaran? Terus-menerus berlari tanpa beranjak sedikitpun dari tempatnya. Kehilangan tenaga namun tak mempunyai suatu perubahan sedikitpun.

Kenapa orang lain tak mau menghargai keberadaanku? Aku juga manusia, bagaimanapun jeleknya aku, aku punya jiwa dan raga untuk dianggap sebagai manusia juga, yang mempunyai hak hidup. Kenapa harus aku yang selalu memahami orang lain?

Hanya hadapi semua ini dengan senyuman?hal itulah yang bisa aku lakukan, tanpa memperdulikan bagaimana aku harus menghadapi semua itu sendirian. Semua orang berbeda, dan aku harus menerima perbedaan itu.

Aku sudah sering dibuang dan merasa terbuang, tak ada hal lain yang lebih menyakitkan dibanding kamu ada namun tak pernah dianggap ada, kamu dianggap ada, namun selalu disalahkan, itulah yang seharusnya kamu terima untuk semua kepahitan yang kamu dapat selama ini.

Cukup sudah ya teman...tak ada yang perlu ditangisi untuk sebuah kehilangan. Toh aku hanyalah secarik kertas putih ditumpukan fieldnote kalian, mengharapkan kalian memberikan coretan-coretan tentang perjalanan kehidupan walaupun hanya sebaris dua baris.

Nothing to loose.....

Help Me, My Guardian Angel

Hmmm....hatiku gundah lagi. Entah apa yang akan terjadi, ingin rasanya pergi lari dan menjauh dari dunia ini. Terlalu banyak masalah yang menumpuk, hingga aku merasa tak kuat lagi untuk melalui semua ini. Ya Alloh, tolong beri jalan untukl hambamu ini. Ingin menangis tapi merasa sudah kehabisan air mata ya Alloh. kirim aku malaikat pelindungMu ya Alloh, malaikat penolongMu.
Mereka semua menganggap aku ini kuat, namun mereka tak pernah sadar, aku begitu terluka dan rapuh.
Aku ingin kembali ke masa lalu, tapi ternyata tak ada yagn tersisa di masa itu. Akupun ingin melangkah maju, namu taliku terikat kuat ditempat ini.

Broken, again

Ya Alloh, kenapa mereka dengan mudah mengucap cinta...dan dengan mudah pula mereka bilang tak punya perasaan apa-apa?

Tahukan mereka bahwa hal ini sangat menyakitkan aku???Tahukah dia?bahwa aku tersenyum diatas perih dan kepahitanku???Aku terluka ya Alloh...

Tolong sembuhkan luka ini ya Alloh, tolong bantu aku untuk bangkit ya Alloh.

Ya Rabb, mana janjimu untuk segera menjemputku?Tak cukupkah jatuh bangun perjuanganku selama ini untuk berada disisiMu?

Kenapa Engkau membiarkanku hidup disini tanpa kebahagiaan?

Setelah Engkau mengambil satu persatu sumber kebahagiaanku??? Masihkah lama waktu itu ya Rabb?Masihkah lama waktuku untuk kembali padaMU?

Hari ini, hatiku sepi....seperti biasa. Rasa perih yang selama ini ingin aku lupakan, malah semakin subur kupupuk dengan duka dan kusiram dengan air mata...

Ya Alloh, aku ingin berhenti saja dari segala keajaiban fanaMu ini.....

 

Untuk cinta-cinta yang pernah singgah dalam hatiku...akankah kalian merasa kehilangan, jika nanti aku tak berada disamping kalian?

Apakah ini takdirku untuk selalu tersakiti oleh cinta?

Alangkah bahagianya, jika kalian merindukanku nantinya...

Jika aku mampu, aku ingin menjadi suatu keajaiban dalam kehidupan kalian...Ingin meninggalkan kebahgaiaan, kemudian menghilang tanpa kalian sadari bahwa aku telah pergi dari sisi kalian. Andai hidup ini adalah sebuah sinetron, yang bisa kutulis sendiri skenarionya...

Aku hadir dalam kehidupan kalian, saat kalian kehilangan cahaya rembulan dipekatnya malam....Kemudian kalian menyalakan aku...membiarkan aku bahagia telah ada sebagai penerang malam kalian...Walau kutahu, kebahgiaanku hanyalah semu. Karena aku akan terbakar sendiri oleh cahayaku, namun aku tetap ingin menyinari kalian...

Namun, ternyata kalian tak pernah tahu, dan tak mau tahu, tak mau memandang bahwa lilin itupun punya batas waktu dan jangkauan tuk bersinar, untuk menyala dan menerangi kalian. Hingga akhirnya, setelah kalian menemukan cahaya yang lebih terang, kalian akan memadamkan lilin itu, meniupnya dalam sekali helaan nafas. Tanpa peduli bahwa selama ini, dalam kegelapan dialah yang menemani kalian. Hingga saatnya, ketika malam datang lagi tanpa ada rembulan, kalian tidak akan menemukanku lagi....karena aku sudah menghilang, terbakar oleh perasaanku sendiri.

"Blow the candle, and you'll know that there is nothing left except the darkness."

Wanna be fine

Kenapa kamu datang lagi?ketika ku sudah bisa dan mencoba kuat tanpamu?

Yakinlah, aku cuma ingin yang terbaik. Aku tak ingin merusak sgala yang telah  aku bangun selama ini. Berbahagialah dengan dia. Karena aku hanya ingin melihat kamu dan orang yang kamu cintai bahagia. Yakinlah, bahwa aku bisa  tegar dan kuat tanpa kamu.

Aku sudah tak peduli dengan kebahagiaanku. Aku sudah tak peduli lagi dengan hatiku. Aku tak mau mengenal cinta lagi.

Kini aku ingin hidup untuk orang lain. Aku ingin ada untuk orang lain. Aku buang semua cita-cita kebahagiaan pribadiku, dan menggantinya dengan impian melihat senyum orang-orang terkasihku.

Aku tak peduli seberapa terlukanya aku, yang aku ingin  hanyalah melihat orang-orang disekitarku tertawa dan bahagia.

Aku telah belajar tentang keikhlasan dan kehilangan. Semuanya karena kamu.

Yakinlah, aku baik-baik saja. Karena dengan begitu aku bisa yakin kalau kau juga baik-baik saja.

Ya Alloh, aku baru melihat tanda-tanda kebesaranMu di siang yang terik ini. Kala aku tersibukkan oleh hal-hal yang berhubungan dengan patah hati dan percintaan, namun kini aku temukan...disudut kampusku yang panas ini, disebuah Gazebo, sekumpulan mahasiswa sedang sibuk dengan hafalan Qur'an mereka. 

Hal ini menyadarkanku, bahwa waktuku selama ini hanya terbuang sia-sia oleh urusan bercintaan yang tak bermutu. Inilah cinta hakiki, cinta sebenarnya yang ditunjukkan olehNya lewat mataku secar langsung. 

Cinta seorang hamba pada Rabb-nya, yang ditunjukkan dengan cara menjaga kesucian wahyu tuhannya. Yah..mereka menjaganya dalam ingatan mereka. Sangat berbanding terbalik dengan kehidupanku selam ini yang selalu kuisi dengan hal-hal yang sebenarnya kurang penting untuk kufikirkan sekarang.....

Hmmmmmm...subhanallah....

Can me?

Ya Alloh, aku telah jatuh cinta....(Lagi)

Namun bagaimana cara aku mengungkapkannya????Dia tak sepenuhnya menyukaiku...

Bantu aku Ya Alloh, bantu aku memperbaiki segalanya. Jika memang aku tak bisa membuat orang lain bahagia, maka izinkan aku menjauh demi kebahagiaan mereka.

Berikanlah keikhlasan dalam hatiku, aku aku tidak berat meninggalkan mereka. Aku ingin memiliki cinta yang murni, yang tidak mengunggulkan keegoisanku untuk memiliki...yang tidak memaksa semuanya melakukan apa yang aku kehendaki...yang selalu ingin membahagiakan orang-orang yang aku cintai.

Bisakah aku........Tolonglah aku ya Alloh.....

My Heart's Diary

Ya Alloh, kenapa Engkau datangkan perasaan seperti ini lagi???

Aku sudah cukup puas dengan rasa sakit akibat dihianati dan patah hati, jangan Engkau hadirkan rasa sakit itu lagi melalui dia.

Aku mungkin benar telah mencintainya, namun kau juga tak mau untuk menderita lagi karena cinta. Sampai kapan aku harus bermain-main dengan hati seperti ini Ya Alloh.
Aku berharap dialah yang mampu mengisi hariku setelah hari-hari kehancuranku. Membangun lagi puing-puing hatiku menjadi bangunan yang utuh.
Namun kenapa, ketika kau baru mengumpulkan puingan itu, dia telah meniupnya Ya Alloh??

K>A, andai engkau tahu, semua hal yang telah aku lewati. Saat aku tahu, ternyata semua ucapanmu padaku hanya palsu belaka, betapa remuk dan hancur hati ini.

Kamulah yang membantu aku untuk menghadapi semua kepedihanku, kamulah yang membantu aku untuk berdiri lagi setelah aku aku terjatuh. Namun kamu juga yang menjatuhkan aku untuk kedua kalinya.

Aku ingin melupakan T<H, dan kurasa kamulah yang akan hadir menyembuhkan lukaku itu. Tapi kenapa kamu malah menabur garam diatas lukaku yang belum sembuh ini.

Aku tahu, aku bukan sosok yang sempurna. Aku tak akan pernah pantas menyanding siapa saja. Maka jangan kamu biarkan aku mencintaimu. Jangan kamu biarkan aku mencintai untuk kedua kali, jika hanya untuk tersakiti.
Sedari awal aku tak pernah peduli tentang siapa kamu dan apa kekurangan dan kelebihanmu. Namun kamu pikir, aku selalu mempermasalahkan hal itu.

Aku sendiri juga takut, apakah aku pantas untuk memilikimu. Setelah semua sikapmu meragukanku. Aku yang bukan siapa-siapa ini, aku yang pernah tersakiti. Aku yang seutuhnya tag berharga.

Ternyata memang menyakitkan, ketika aku mendengar bahwa kau pilih dia.
Tolong, berhentilah menghantui hati dan fikiranku. Dan jangan buat aku mencintaimu lebih dalam.

Kematian

Apakah wajar, jika aku meminta kematian datang padaku, sedangkan aku tak punya apa-apa untuk menjadi bekal kepergianku???

Apakah aku hanya akan berbekal dosa, yang tak akan pernah habis meskipun aku menebarnya disepanjang perjalananku??

Namun, kenyataan akan kesakitan ini terus menjerumuskanku, memaksaku untuk mati enggan, hiduppun segan. Pernahkah ada yang meneyadarinya?Bahwa aku disini sangat terluka?Aku membutuhkan tawa bahagia juga, aku membutuhkan kasih sayang yang sebenarnya. Bukan hanya tawa dan kasih sayang palsu yang selama ini kudapat.

Apakah aku harus terus bersembunyi dibalik tawa palsuku ini, dibalik semua kepedihan ini? Berpura-pura semua baik-baik saja padahal hatiku membusuk...oleh luka yang semakin parah...

Aku ingin pergi, ketika kasih sayang semua orang melelapkanku dalam tidur panjangku...

Aku ingin pergi dengan perhatian semua orang yang menina bobokanku...

Aku ingin pergi ketika semua orang mencintaiku...

Ku Ikhlas Melepasmu

Pergilah...larilah sekencangmu, karena aku tak lagi  mengikatmu

Bebaslah...hirup udara baru dalam hidupmu,, karena aku tidak lagi menjadi nafasmu
Bergermbiralah...tertawalah sekerasmu, karena aku tak lagi menjadi bahagiamu
Genggamlah, peluk dengan erat cinta  barumu, karena aku tak lagi menjadi lengan dan bahumu...

Pejamkan matamu..tidurlah dengan nyenyak, karena aku tak lagi ada dalam mimpimu
Bukalah matamu...sambut hari barumu, karena aku tak lagi ada dalam hidupmu...

Eyeslight

 EYESLIGHT

By: Zumi Atafini

I look at her eyeballs. On the past, those eyes always looked at me with much of  love. On the past, those eyes was mine. But now, my heart is closed to approve her love anymore. I don’t know what come in my mind, but clearly my lots of love for her have been extinguished, just like a splashed fire, and left nothing except hatred and grudge.

“Darling, I know that it’s all my fault. I less understood your bustle. But, please let me revise all. Lets we open our new page of our love tale. I have no preparations to loss you. I know that my anger bond my heart so I didn’t think the efect of my decission.”

She imbibes softdrink before her. She is still as beautifull as before. I dont’t know, on the past I loved her badly, even I was willing to dsplace a mountain for her if she want. She dominated all of my heart. But now, even she throw many litters of tears, that can not penetrate my heart, and can not wetted my dried heart. She begs for my love, she wants I comeback for her. But that is not enough to pull my heart out from my ravine of loneliness.

“Please, understand me, Ay. We are different. We can not be match. Just like a hole, both of us is north hole, and we deny each other. Our way of thinking is too much different.”

“But, Honey. We ever had same dreams and same desires.”

“It just before you decided to break our love.”

“If you know what i felt, may be you will understand why i took that decision. I need you, I feel so sad to leave you, and I feel missing you badly. That’s  a hard decision. I have been waiting for you for long time, to come to me, to ask my forgiveness. But, you never came. That made me angry and made a decision to break our relationship.”

Her cry heard so sad. She rise from her chair. She is tottering.

“Where will you go ay?Let me accompany you.”

“No thanks. I will go home by myself. Thanks to met me. I’m so sorry for all my mistakes. I beg you for the last time.”

“I’m so sorry, for this time, i just can be your brother and friend”

I bow my head. A lillte heart felling to see her cry and sadness.

            “It’s Ok. Bye”

            “Ay, wait!”

Her shadow dissapear from my ayes. I sit allone by myself in this coffeeshop.

            “Please, understand me...” whispered on my heart.

I decide not to send nor call her anymore. My love perfectly disapear. I don’t know why, but actually this is the true. I chose my own way to drive my life. I kill my heart for her.

Suddenly I hear my mobile ringtone. Her name is displayed on the screen. I ignore it. It’s better not to accept her call. It’s satisfied to do it. And I’m happier to do it. More than ten times she call me, and all is missed. I leave it. After a few hours the mobile is ringing. Now, her sister’s number is displayed. I still on my way, not to accept it. All things rellated to her and and her family are disaster for me. I want to release from this her bond.

I do my life with full of freedom. To life without her is felt like heal new air of the world. I find the independent of my life. No one will bother me with messages and calls pretending care anymore. I will not spend my money lavishly anymore just to buy gasoline and to have dinner with her. I’m free now! utterly free!

I have paid my grudge for her. I make her regretted for leaving me. I will not come back to her. Just by made her feel what i felt when she left me before make me happy. I was hurt because of her. Now, she is hurt beacause of me. I’m satisfied!perfectly satisfied!

A month I through my life without her. Her image do not appear anymore on my mind. But, by the time past, I feel bored of my life. There is nothing special on my daily. Everything feel so flat. No more color which colored my life on the past. Everyday I just  do my work, eat, then sleep. Although I have a spare time on Saturday and Sunday to go to campus and to visit my parents, but everything still feel so flat. Feel like something missing from my life.

Suddenly i remember her. It’s a week passed without her messages on my cell phone. Though i never replay it, but she always reminded me to eat, to pray and not to be forced on work. But why did she never call me this week?A bunch of question come my mind, and I still do not find the answer of the questions. Usually she inserted many words which say that she always love me, and will always do until the death come to her. But the words burn my egoism more and more. Then the devil come to my mind, make me think how sad she is without me, a smile pointed on the corner of my lips. Love and care without response, how hurt it is. Just like what i felt when she was on my side.

But, why? Now I miss her. Suddenly, I miss to read her messages on my cellphone again. I want to hear her laugh when calling again. I miss it all. I reach my mobile, I spin it. I try to tape some words pointed to her, but I erase it again. I’m afraid my prestige will be down if I send her message.

I lay on long chair near my mother’s sewing machine. The sound produced when my mother hold the dynamo and play the long cable of the machine tickle my heart. Send me to the memory when I sit together on this chair on the past. She is too much in silent and smile, annoyed my heart to pinch her cheeks and to make her angry.   

I’m restless. I sit uncomfortably. Slowly, all beautiful memories with her come to my mind. Her laugh, the way she eat, the way she drink, the way she treat me, and the way she sweet upon me, begin to crawl on my mind. It can’t be denied that I miss her. She who actually had coloured my grayscale life. She who actually had given a pattern in my flat life. And she who actually had dessigned my disorder life. I want her now. I really want her.

I dont care with my egoism anymore. I tape a a conventionality message with a high tone full of prestige to ask her condition.

Assalamu’alaikum. It’s long time no news from you. How are you and your family?

I searh her name on my phonebook. Clossing my eyes, I send my messages. It feel like trhown my prestige when send the message to her. But I really want her to replay it.

I’m worried in waiting for her replay. Many minnutes and hours passed, but she have not yet replied my message. I’m resentful of her. I throw my cell phone away.

“What happened son? You look like worried of something. Just visiting us once a week, you never look happy when in home.”

My mother grumble to see my behavior. Indeed, this month i hardly ever laugh, even just for smile.

“Nothing mom. I’ll look for fresh air.” Immediately I drive my motorcycle and dissapear from her view. I want not she see me sad.

“Oh god, son. Suddenly gone!”

I swear on my heart. It was too arogant she didn’t replay my message. Whereas she ever beg me to replied her message and said that can live without me. And now?Regretfully I sent her message. Just make her overconfidence.

######

“Please, prepare two PC for Mr. Thalib. This is the specification. He will take them tomorrow.”

“Ok, sir. Will we use all new part or just some parts which are new?”

“Idiot!Is it necesarry to ask?Pretending he is new customer. Just make as ussual!”

Hah, unfortunatelly in this early morning I got an anger from my bos. It send down my spirit to work. I’m tired of this condition. I’m forced to hard work without any extra salary.

Ussually I would send her message if I was in this condition. I would share her everything. Spill out all my plaints. Then she would call me and give me new spirit. Her tender voice, with sweet tone, suggested me to always be patient. Or at least she would send me message inserting long kiss pointed on my forehead. I really miss such as time. And I really miss her nowadays.

Two months passed she is missing from my life. Even just for updating status on FB, she didn’t appear. Totally I lost contact with her. My longing is growing more and more.

Once more, I try to text her. I throw away my hatred for her.

Hi! How r u?2 be arrogant now, never send me message, even just for replay my message.

I hope she would replay my message. As I tinker my works, I always watch on my cell phone before me. I’m hurried in receiving and raeding each calls or messages, I hope it will be hers. But, those all just from my customers, and it all overthrow me to the deepest worried.

Finally, to the end of this day, there no replay from her. I dont know what should I do. Should me angry or sad? No answer appeared.

####

“Cousin, where will Ay visit us again? I miss her badly. I want to play football with her. I want to be carried on her back again. I want ice cream from her.”

My cousin speak innocently. It break all my fantacy. I remembered that Ay love and care with all my cousin, even my uncle and my aunt. She never forget to bring foods and gift for all. She is a philantrhopist. Even when she have no money, she will buy something for them. I remebered, when we meet a poor old man whom sold fried peanut. She and I decided to buy all his peanut because night began to appear and the old man still waited for the customer only on the side of the road.

We smiled of happiness. Although only a lilte help, but we hope it would pointed a smile on her face.

Hmmm...ay, where are you...

#####

I can hold it no more. This is the scond month I have no communication with her. My hurt because she left me have no more trace, changed with my hurt because of my longing. My hatred because of her decision to leave me and her anger without any reason is wiped out by my longing for her. Sometimes I fell bored of her and try to run away from her, but her great love to me keep me still beside her. I want her now, badly.

Her number which I deleted two months ago still settle down sweetly on all of my mind. A couple number choosen by me for me n for her.

The number u’re calling is not active or out side of area, please try again in a few minnutes

Information from the celullar operator destroy all my expectation in a second. I feel faint. Has she changed her number? Suddenly, my world is going dark.

#######

“Son, you’re concious. What happened to you?You were already fine when you were laying in the chair, but suddenly you were fainted. You make me worried.”

Unconciously I am in my aunt’s room. I have no more power.

“Please drink this warm tea”

My aunt gives me a cup of warm tea. This reminds me to the past event. Ay took care of me when I was ill, still in this room. I was laying on my bedroom for two days. She always came to me and took care of me. The distance between my aunts’s house n her boarding house is far enough, and she always came back home on late just for make sure that I would be fine before she left. This day is simmiliar with that time. It’s raining hard outside. It’s really cold. Her image when she was feeding me stabb me in the deepest place of my heart.

What fault she made that make me hurt her and throw her so far away from my heart? Where was my feelling when saw her falling litters of tears to ask me to come back to her? Where was my feeling when she always tried to give attention to me? Why do my longing and my guilty come just now?Pick up my regret which covered my heart.

“Where is my cell-phone, aunt?”

I mess and upset the bedcover. I need my cell-phone. I don’t know what will I do with that, but what I know is that my cell-phone is really important for me, now.

“What are you doing? Just take a rest! Your cell-phone is being charged by your sister.”

I run to take my cell-phone I remember that I saved Ay’s sister’s number. I call the number immediately. But I dissapointed once more. Her number is no more active.

 I can be crazy!I really wanna call her!The felling that I’m affraid to lose her grow in my mind. I need her. I’m affraid to loss her love. I still love her with lots of love.

Suddenly I decide to call her mother. Since I decided not to call her any more I’m affraid to appear before her mother, even just for call her mother. Additionally, my other cell phone is broken, so I hardly ever activate my family’s number. But actually, on the pass I often call her mother to share many stories about her. And now, my hands is shivering even just to call her mother.

I have called her mother for five times, and no one is responded. I keep trying, but there is still no respon. I give up! What can I do to call her??

My body is shivering. I have heart disease almost five years, and I feel that it suffer a relapse. I can’t think anything else. Maybe I gonna be crazy if i don’t meet her.

####

I ride my motorcycle in fast, alhough I never ride a motorcycle more than 80 kmph but I think that it is the fastest time that I can do. Ussually Ay sat sweetly behind me and hugged my waist. Sometimes she pinch and tickle me when I ride uncarefully. I love her expression when unconciously we stoped contiguous with a rider girl in the traffic lamp. Immediatelly she would close my helmet and pinch my waist.

The imagination of my longing to her drive me to be crazy. I almost can not breath. My heart palpitate irregularly  to imagine that I will see her sweet face, again.

Her house is far enough. It is about an hour from the city. I often took on this road just for saw her face, came back to her and feel a warm of her love. But I never did it since this four mounths.

I try to focus my mind on the way I through. But all of my mind is out of focused by the remainder of her joke.

I enter a bend into her house. My heart is palpitating fastly. A question appear immediatelly. Does she still keep her smile to welcome me in her house. Would she cry if i said goodbye. Those questions try to break my heart and my mind. I lean my blue motorcycle, which always be her favorite. Although my simple black helmet, also her favorite, does not accompany me anymore. I have changed it with my red helmet, which i thought can give an additional performance for me.

Finnaly i’m standing before her house. It’s too silent. Ussually, if he is in home, she will give a warm environment. The television accompany her along the day. But now, everything feel so silent. Her wooden door, which is always oppened, is closed now. More over, there is no sign of life.

My stride is freezen. I’m hesitant to knock the doorl. I’m worried if her mother, who is ever to be my mother in law candidate, will angry with me because i have hurt her daughter. I gahter my bravery to say greeting and knock the door. I’ve been doing it for three times, and no one come to open the door. I think that it will be better to come back home, but my longing for her can be endured no more. I stand silent in front of her house. I sit in a chair which is always be our favorite place to see the afternoon scenery of her village.

I’ve been waiting for an hour, and there is still no signal of her or her family coming. Then, my sleepy drive me to the gate of dream.

####

I feel thay my eyes is too heavy. I open my eyes. I think that i felt sleep. In a glance, i see Ay wearing clothe i gave for her. Oh, finally, my longing is paid.

“Ay. Here you are!Where have you been?I’ve been waiting for you!”

“Honey. Why do you come now? I have been waiting for you also, for long time honey. No time i left without thinking of you, but you still haven’t yet came. Don’t you miss me?Too much tears i fell for you. I have tried to be patience. I still wait for you acrros the time. I’m happy to see that you are here for me. Your coming take my pain away. Thank you honey. Thank you for all. Forgive for all my mistakes. If i had just one more chance, i would change everything. I’m sorry for blaming you honey. I miss you honey. I really really miss you. There are too much story that need to be shared with you. But, we have no more time honey. Look for your own happiness honey. Be strong honey, cause i will be with you no more.”

She look into my eyes. She gives me a kiss. She did not allow me to say just one word. And this time is too sacred to be broke by my words. I look at her, with so much longing, just like a trusty camel in a desert that need a water. I want not anyone break this momment, a missing momment that i’m looking for long time.

She is crying. I don’t know why. Is she too happy to meet me?Or something has happened to her?No word out of my lips. Too many qustions appear on my mind. I feel hard to heal. My world dark totally.

####

“Are you OK, son?”

I vague voice wake me up. A sound of Ay’s mother. I try to get up.

“It’s Ok son, just lay on the bad. When did you arrive.”

“I forget mom, maybe about two or three hours ago. I’m sorry mom, for everything. I do apollogize. I will be better mom, I promise. Where is Ay mom?”

“Son, i’m sorry to say it, everything is too late now. Ay will not be with us again. There is a great love that need her. She found her own peace place.”

“What do you say mom?I don’t understand. Where is Ay? I need her! I can’t breath without her mom! Please mom...”

“Sorry dear. She loved you badly. She gave you spirit to stay alive. But you never perceipe it all. With dream and imagination, she gave us new environment everyday. But its no longer after she left you. No more day was filled with her laugh. No more smile painted on her face. No more happines on her life. She decided to leave you, although it’s too hard for her. She trough it all. Why didn’t you ask her reason for leaving you? Didn’t you know that she is dying?She never told us that she is dying. Only in the last time, we knew that she has cancer on the last stadium. She fight her own illnes by herself. That is Ay. A figure of baravery and happines. No one know that she burried her pain far in her deepest heart”

No more words out of ay’s mom. A picture of Ay with her beautiful smile is hanging sweetly on the wall surrounded by bucket flower.